Self-Distancing – How to Gain Perspective and Be Your Own Coach

What and Why: Self Distancing

Why is it easier for us to workout when being barked at by a class instructor or trainer? Peloton instructors have rised to celebrity status, because of their unique ability to coach, encourage, and demand effort from class takers. We typically respond more often to external forces, but not our own. We may lack trust in ourselves, or maybe we have a built-in sense of wanting to follow direction. Maybe we trust the external force, the friend’s advice, the coach’s direction, because they can see the entire picture, analyzing the situation and all forces objectively. They are removed from the direct experience, and because of that, their view is unobstructed. But what if that external force could come from within? We know ourselves more than anyone else can, and when we plunge through our own layer of emotion, we truly know what’s actually best for us at any given moment.

Enter, self-distancing. This refers to the ability to view one’s own thoughts, beliefs, or experiences as constructions of reality, not reality itself. When you can increase the psychological distance from yourself, you gain the ability to view events, especially negative ones, with a constructive objectivity. How many times have we offered advice to a friend, going through an emotionally turbulent event, frustrated since they can only see from one skewed point of view?

 

How to Self-Distance

Everyone’s experience, and attachment to themselves, is unique. Therefore I recommend trying various techniques to see what works best for you.

Time is the best way to distance yourself from a situation, but clearly not helpful when you need immediate clarity. This is to say, that waiting a day, versus an hour, if at all possible can be very helpful. From there, the decision to approach an experience from an objective point of view is equally important, even if there are still strong feelings associated with the event. You’ve committed to the outcome.

The environment is important. Distractions are the enemy, and will immediately pull you out of the process. You have to spend time with yourself, alone, without any sort of digital notifications, or people to interrupt you. For full focus, I grab my journal, and head to the beach. It is purposeful, free of distraction, and peaceful.

I always begin with meditation, even if it’s simply 5 minutes. (Manoj Dias has a self-love meditation, with the most relaxing voice I’ve ever heard.) Turning off your brain, and calming your body helps tremendously. Once I’ve achieved a state of stillness, I try a number of different things. First, I recount the actual facts, either mentally or on paper. I start imagining the event, literally from above. Then I imagine the event from all other parties involved, what could they be feeling and why, what could motivate them to have performed those actions. What motivated me? Were my emotions warranted, or infalted/deflated because of past events? You are not yourself in this moment, you are a 3rd party. Embrace this feeling. Now comes the awkward part, it’s time to communicate to yourself. I almost always do this on paper. You are now the coach, the friend, the person who did not experience this event. Write to yourself, use your name, and explain the situation. Coach yourself as if you are talking to your best friend. Do not see things as better than they are, or worse, just as they happened. The self-coaching is where you gain the most insight. You know yourself better than anyone else, you know what you need, and what action could help you. I end with a plan of action, answering the question, what would be the absolute best thing I could do for my future self right now. Exercise, rest, tackling a project I’ve put off, doing something that involves creativity or expression, spending time with a loved one? I (read: not myself) almost always know exactly what I should do that would be best for myself. And once “I” have decided, I (myself) has to follow through.

There’s another popular technique, very similar, that offers a way to reduce a traumatizing experience that aids in distancing as well. For example, you were belittled at your job by a boss. It was un-necessary and you feel disgusting. What you can do, is to try and re-shape that memory by replaying the event, with the same dialogue, but the characters are now llamas, or they are human with huge heads, the point is that they are a bit silly. Give your boss a high-pitch voice, and replay it in your mind, imagine it as having actually happened that way. It’s comical, but has been prioven to work.
Great artists who perform in front of huge crowds use this to operate at the highest level. Beyonce, yes even Queen B, uses a version of self distancing to bring out the best in herself, by activating a separate onstage persona, nicknamed “Sasha Fierce”. She distances from herself, and takes on this persona who is the most bombastic version of herself.

There are endless benefits, and it’s truly a skill to be practiced. A study found it can improve the effects of negative social experiences in people who suffer from anxiety. It can help with relationships, especially family where forgiveness and patience can often be more difficult. Give it a try, have a dialogue with yourself, and see if it can’t improve your outlook.